On The Road

Everything
becomes so empty.My life is starting to turn barren and inane.I’m
feeling life is lacking its spices little by little.Frustration and
depression are continuing their despotic control since my returning
from Beijing.I feel I’m becoming hardly interested in anything-had not
much heart to pick up the charcoals to wreak,lost the patience to watch
a movie,couldn’t finish a book I want to read,hardly concentrate on
preparing for applying for jobs… I feel fickle to enjoy the life.

      I remember when I was young,how joyful it was to lie on the
bed,close my eyes with the radio in a simple afternoon.The sunshine
could reach inside of the room which was warm…The peace existed in my
reading of a novel quietly along the whole afternoon.The peace existed
in some of my doodles,exsisted in my writing those fantastic and
unrealistic stories in my diary,existed in my imagination from the
clouds outside the window.I could feel satisfied in such an
afternoon…The young me pictured a harmonious ideal land as a goal of my
life.

      Passion is lost right now.It hides somewhere,whirls away a feeling
called enthusiasm in my heart.And I’m living without it these days in
some dumb climate of the mind.This is excruciating,for me.

      Is it because I’m closer to the loaves and fishes,farther from my
peaceful little dream?Am I more and more attracted to the material
world’s Vanity Fair?Life is losing more and more color to me.I begin to
reconsider the meaning of life.Someone has been experiencing sufferings
all life and living feelinglessly.Why there is torments and misery.I
commiserate over my mother’s life.All her life is to take care of her
daughter and the family.She worked extremely hard to help father run
the restaurant and have been bearing the poverty and unhappy
marriage.Until now,she becomes single.When I realised this poor lonely
woman is my mother who is living on 500yuan earned per month.It seemed
like any beautiful thing in life becomes brutal to me.My eyes became
blurry.I can’t see the dream land clearly.My passion is fading away in
me.I refused to live like others while some unknown evil is hitting
me.I don’t know what’s that.

     It feels like my spirit is closed down.It’s getting empty. While I’m
getting heavier,falling down and down…with the powerless body,down and
down.